Tolerance

This is also posted on my other blog, but I think I'll get more response here.

Tolerance is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as the capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others as well as the capacity to endure hardship or pain. How do these two definitions merge in my demonstration (or lack thereof) of tolerance? In some relationships there is more "enduring of hardship" than of "recognizing and respecting." Especially if the practice of others is to use a relationship for their own aggrandisement and financial gain.

Tolerance according to WordNet from Princeton University: the power or capacity of an organism to tolerate unfavorable environmental conditions; a disposition to allow freedom of choice and behavior [ aka permissiveness]; a permissible difference; allowing some freedom to move within limits.

The "tolerance guilt trip" that some try to place on others for "not being tolerant" brings only false guilt and real grief (usually later, not always just later). Do not accept false guilt if you find yourself intolerant of a person's behavior AND if your instincts tell you that you don't want to be around that person. Trust your instincts. I used to have friends who I felt were "way out there" in some of their behaviors and beliefs. I tolerated their actions and behaviors for as long as I could justify, overlooking the dissimilarities and focusing on the similarities. It got to be where we only had one or two things to talk about and even then, I could not justify remaining close friends and using my time, emotions and energy (and money) in this friendship/relationship. In other words, it was costing me too much self-esteem and costing me financially to continue in the relationship of friendship with these persons. So, even though some feelings were hurt on the other side and no true explanation was given on my side, these friends are more in the category of "acquaintances" -- people to whom I will be kind, but not close friends to whom I would give the shirt off my back.

Why, you ask? Because they already got the shirt off my back. I advocated for them with friends of mine and raised a considerable amount for them. They said they needed money for gasoline, for food, for this or that 'emergency' with little or no appreciation on their part. Or let's say, not effusive thanks that brings to memory a thankfulness and a promise of repayment, even if I might have said "oh, that's okay." People of character accept gracefully and then recall the kindness and repay in kind when they have the finances to do so. When the aforementioned friends could repay me and those who gave me money for them, they conveniently forgot who their friend was. Oh, in public, I was "friend," but they had amnesia when it came to repayment, at least payment in part, for the financial assistance I and others had given them.

Let's go back to the definition here of "tolerance" as the power or capacity of an organism to tolerate unfavorable environmental conditions and use that definition in the true story above. I am the organism which tolerated the unfavorable (and financially costly) environmental condition. I'm also the organism which got tired of being permissive and enabling their behaviors. I am no longer willing to allow others the freedom of choice and behavior to walk all over me, pretend to be friends, and then "take the money and run." BUT, I am willing to accept a permissible difference. I will allow some freedom to move within limits -- limits I set on just what I will tolerate. And limits on just what I will not or will no longer tolerate.

Am I intolerant of some people's actions or inactions? Are you? Can I be intolerant of actions and still be tolerant? Can you?